Put a Fucking Bird on It

Josh Gates @ The Crap Factory

Apparently in Portland, you can't call it "Art" unless you "put a bird on it".  What started off as a lame hook from the show, Portlandia, has since become a tired in-joke for the region.  Seriously, it's almost as played out as "That's what she said" or "Don't have a cow, man" and typing it myself makes me very, very ashamed.  Yet, in order for my photo series to have any credibility in this ridiculous city, it is necessary for me to eschew good taste and (yawn) "put a bird on it".  So... 

You know what Josh says about birds?  Fuck 'em, that's what.  Back in the summer of 2009 when we were housemates, we threw an epic party; a party so wild and outrageous that Josh broke his foot partying so hard.  He spent the rest of the summer hobbling around on crutches and eating pints of Haggen Dazs ice cream.  One hot summer day, at the apex of his misery, Josh saw a crow sitting on a telephone wire.  The crow looked smarmily down on him, gloating as though it were the epitome of freedom.  "Fuck you bird," Josh blurted out, flipping it off.  The crow just sat on it's perch dumbly and poor Josh crutched back home to eat his ice cream and watch "Groundhog Day".    

So yeah:  Fuck you bird and Fuck you "put a bird on it" jokes.  This ends now, before Voodoo Donuts introduces a "put a bird it" maple-bacon bar.  This ends now, before Stumptown baristas introduce a "put a bird on it" foam art latte.  This ends now, before the (formerly) "Made in Oregon" sign on Burnside is revamped yet again to read  "put a bird on it".  You know how it ends?  As sexual innuendo, that's how.  From this point forward, "put a bird on it" refers to ejaculating on your partner.  "Me and Suzie had a great date; we had dinner, saw a movie, and then I put a bird on it".  There.  It is done.  Now stop repeating dumb catchphrases and go put a bird on someone.      

*Just for the record Josh is awesome and loves animals when he is fully mobile.  He is also really funny and writes comics, which you can check out at his site Class of '99.